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A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...

I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.

Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?

It was udder destruction.

I dropped a pear in my car this morning.

You should drop another one, then you would have a pair.

Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?

Now we just have to call him Dav.

My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

That was hard to hear.

What do you call a crazy space traveler?

An astro-nut!

How do you make Lady Gaga cry?

Poker face.

Did you hear the news?

FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

What do you call two barracuda fish?

A Pairacuda!

Wife: Honey I’m pregnant. Me: Well…. what do we do now?

Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor. Me: Hm.. I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

How do robots eat guacamole?

With computer chips.

What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed?

Don't look I'm changing!

Where does Napoleon keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

Why does Waldo only wear stripes?

Because he doesn't want to be spotted.

What do you give a sick lemon?

Lemonaid.

How do you check if a webpage is HTML5?

Try it out on Internet Explorer.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but their flag is a big plus.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef!

What do you call an eagle who can play the piano?

Talonted!