Top 100 Dad Jokes

A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in dirt, and crosses back?

Why did the teenager keep his report card in the freezer?

Why are skeletons so calm?

Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?

What did the key say to the lock on Valentine's Day?

What's a chemist's favorite type of dog?

Why did the painting go to prison?

What do you call a duck that loves fireworks?

Why did the baby refuse to eat the alphabet soup?

My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?

Why did the smartphone need glasses?

What do history teachers and trees have in common?

How do you make Lady Gaga cry?

How do robots eat guacamole?

What did the boat say to its Valentine?

What did the pumpkin pie say to the pecan pie?

What did the owl say to its Valentine?

Why did the skeleton go to the hospital dance alone?

What do you call Santa when he takes a break?

Why was the Egyptian pharaoh so relaxed?

What did the campfire say to the marshmallow?

Why did the sleeping bag file a complaint?

What do you call a bear that loves camping in the rain?

What's a pirate's worst nightmare at a restaurant?

Why did the shoelace go to therapy?

Why was the laundry always so dramatic?

Why did the hedge fund manager bring shears to work?

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles.

I tried to write a joke about paper.

I asked my dog what's two minus two.

What do you call a pig that paints?

What do you call a clam that works out?

Why did the candle feel left out?

Why was the belt sent to jail?

Why did the beekeeper get promoted?

What do you call a penguin who steals things?

What did the nail say to the wood?

What did the mommy spider say to the baby spider?

Why don't clams ever donate to charity?

What do you call a crazy space traveler?

Why couldn't the Christmas tree stand up?

Why does Santa always enter through the chimney?

Why do witches fly on broomsticks?

What do you call a skeleton who won the lottery?

What do you call a werewolf with a fever?

What did the Civil War general say to the pastry chef?

Why did the anesthesiologist get promoted?

What do you call a robot that takes the long way home?

What did the file folder say during its exit interview?

What did the red blood cell say at retirement?

What did the biologist say when asked why they kept twins in the lab?

My email password has been hacked.

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I entered ten puns in a contest to see if any would win.

Why did the tomato blush during the podcast?

What do you call a shoe made of a banana?

What do you call a skeleton who won't work?

What did the astronaut say after crashing into the moon?

What do you call a frozen orbit?

Why do potatoes make good detectives?

What do you call a crane that tells jokes?

Why did the weather forecaster bring a bar of soap?

Why should you never argue with a 90-degree angle?

What do you call a nervous car?

Why was the relay team great at cooking?

Why don't cars ever win at poker?

Why did the baby strawberry cry?

What did the Bunsen burner say to the beaker?

What did the entropy say to the scientist?

What did the avocado say to the toast?

What do you call an ant that skips school?

Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?

Hey, dad, did you get a haircut?

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?

Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?

What did the mountain climber name his son?

I dropped a pear in my car this morning.

Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?

Did you hear the news?

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Why are pirates called pirates?

Why did the man run around his bed?

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?

What do you get hanging from Apple trees?

I accidentally took my cats meds last night.

Why did Cupid open a bakery?

Why did the electrician make a great Valentine?

What did the snail give on Valentine's Day?

What did the tornado say to its Valentine?

What did the cheese say to its Valentine?

Why did the tree ask for a Valentine?

What did the door say to its Valentine?

What did the drum say to its Valentine?