Top 100 Dad Jokes

A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...

I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in dirt, and crosses back?

A dirty double-crosser.

Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?

It was udder destruction.

What did the key say to the lock on Valentine's Day?

You unlock my heart!

My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

That was hard to hear.

What did the owl say to its Valentine?

Owl always love you!

Why did the skeleton go to the hospital dance alone?

He had no body to go with.

Why was the Egyptian pharaoh so relaxed?

He was in de-Nile about his problems.

What did the campfire say to the marshmallow?

You're looking pretty toasty tonight.

Why did the sleeping bag file a complaint?

It was tired of being walked all over at the campsite.

What do you call a bear that loves camping in the rain?

A drizzly bear.

Why did the shoelace go to therapy?

It kept getting tied up in knots over everything.

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

I tried to write a joke about paper.

It was tearable.

I asked my dog what's two minus two.

He said nothing.

Why did the painting go to prison?

It was framed.

Why did the beekeeper get promoted?

Because he always created a buzz at work.

What do you call a penguin who steals things?

A hardened criminal — he's already doing hard time on ice.

What did the nail say to the wood?

I'm really getting hammered today!

Why did the baby refuse to eat the alphabet soup?

He didn't want anyone putting words in his mouth!

Why don't clams ever donate to charity?

Because they're tight with their mussels!

What do you call a crazy space traveler?

An astro-nut!

Why couldn't the Christmas tree stand up?

It didn't have a leg to stand on!

What do you call a skeleton who won the lottery?

A lucky stiff!

What did the Civil War general say to the pastry chef?

Nice work — your layers have real battle lines.

What did the file folder say during its exit interview?

I'm just ready to close this chapter.

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find the manual.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

Why did the smartphone need glasses?

It lost all its contacts.

What do you call a frozen orbit?

A cold front-ier!

Why should you never argue with a 90-degree angle?

Because it's always right!

Why don't cars ever win at poker?

Because they always show their turn signals!

What did the Bunsen burner say to the beaker?

You crack me up — but you're the one who's always boiling over.

What did the entropy say to the scientist?

Things between us are getting disordered.

What do you call an ant that skips school?

A truant.

Hey, dad, did you get a haircut?

No, I got them all cut.

Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?

It reads “Small medium at large.”.

I dropped a pear in my car this morning.

You should drop another one, then you would have a pair.

Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?

Now we just have to call him Dav.

Did you hear the news?

FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

How do you make Lady Gaga cry?

Poker face.

How do robots eat guacamole?

With computer chips.

What do you get hanging from Apple trees?

Sore arms.

What did the boat say to its Valentine?

You really float my boat!

What did the snail give on Valentine's Day?

A slow-mance!

What did the tornado say to its Valentine?

You make my head spin!

What did the door say to its Valentine?

I a-door you!

What did the drum say to its Valentine?

My heart beats for you!

What did the light bulb say to its Valentine?

I watt you so much!

Why was the butternut squash always so chill?

It was used to getting roasted!

Why was the stuffing named Employee of the Month?

It always filled in when needed!

Why was the gravy boat invited to every party?

It knew how to pour on the charm!

Why was the Thanksgiving soup so wealthy?

It had a lot of stock!

Which side dish always gives the best advice?

The sage dressing - it's very wise!

What do you call the Easter Bunny's life story?

A hare-raising autobiography!

Why did the Easter Bunny start doing stand-up comedy?

He had everyone hopping with laughter!

Why did the Easter egg go to the party?

To get egg-quainted with everyone!

What do you call an Easter egg from outer space?

An egg-straterrestrial!

Why did the neutron get into the club for free?

No charge.

What's a chemist's favorite type of dog?

A Lab.

What did the biologist wear on their first date?

Designer genes.

Why are fish terrible at tennis?

They're afraid of the net.

Why are guitars always so stressed out?

They're constantly under tension.

Why did the orchestra have to go to court?

There was too much violins.

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships!

Why do socks never win arguments?

They always get cold feet!

What do you call a car that's really good at golf?

A Caddy-lac!

What do you call Santa when he takes a break?

Santa Pause.

Why did the drywall installer win every argument?

He always had the finishing point.

What do you call a fish that handles loans?

A loan shark.

What did the dollar say to the four quarters?

You've changed.

What did the flower say after it told a joke?

I was just pollen your leg!

Why did the bread loaf get an award?

It was on the rise and the best thing since… well, itself.

Why did the rolling pin go to the gym?

It wanted to get on a roll.

Why did the compass break up with the map?

It lost its sense of direction in the relationship.

What did the ocean say to the pirate?

Nothing, it just waved — but the pirate took a bow.

What's a pirate's worst nightmare at a restaurant?

A sunken chest — with no gold, just the buffet.

What's a pirate's favorite type of exercise?

The plank.

Why did the cappuccino feel so fancy?

It was always frothing at the top.

What do you call a coffee that sues people?

Grounds for a lawsuit.

What do you call a fashionable ghost?

A boo-tique shopper.

Why did the t-shirt break up with the hanger?

It was tired of being strung along.

Why was the laundry always so dramatic?

Because it kept airing its dirty laundry.

Why did the pair of jeans break up with the skirt?

They felt the relationship was coming apart at the seams.

Why did the hedge fund manager bring shears to work?

He wanted to trim the hedges.

What do you call a banker who's also a gardener?

Someone who likes watching their savings grow.

Why did the dime refuse to hang out with the quarter?

It didn't want to be short-changed.

What do you call a dollar bill in a blender?

Liquid assets.

Why did the mortgage feel so possessive?

Because it was always holding interest.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

That would be a big step forward.

My friend bet me I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

I just got a new job at a monastery.

The work is nun of your business.

I told my son I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

He asked 'Which one don't you know?' I said 'I don't know Y.'

My ceiling isn't the best, but it's up there.

It really tops everything else in the house.

I got fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

Why did the razor go to school?

To get a little sharper.

What do you call a spider who's a great typist?

A web developer.

Why did the rope feel stressed?

It was at the end of its tether.