Top 100 Dad Jokes

Why are skeletons so calm?

Because nothing gets under their skin.

Why did the hedge fund manager bring shears to work?

He wanted to trim the hedges.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

That would be a big step forward.

Why did the computer go fishing?

To catch some bytes.

Why did the musician refuse to play cards?

He was afraid of the shuffle.

What did the manager say about the team-building exercise?

It really brought everyone to the table — mostly because there was free pizza.

Why couldn't the atom trust the quark?

Because quarks come in strange flavors.

Why do bacteria never win at poker?

Because someone always calls their bluff culture.

Why do nurses like red crayons?

Sometimes they have to draw blood.

Why can't eggs have love?

They will break up too soon.

I can't tell if i like this blender...

It keeps giving me mixed results.

What do you call a computer mouse that swears a lot?

A cursor!

What did the mountain climber name his son?

Cliff.

What did the dog say to the two trees?

Bark bark.

I dropped a pear in my car this morning.

You should drop another one, then you would have a pair.

How do you check if a webpage is HTML5?

Try it out on Internet Explorer

Did you hear the news?

FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.

Where does Napoleon keep his armies?

In his sleevies.

Wife: Honey I’m pregnant. Me: Well…. what do we do now?

Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor. Me: Hm.. I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

What do you call two barracuda fish?

A Pairacuda!

What did the cookbook say to the amateur chef?

Just follow my lead — I've got all the right ingredients for success.

Why did the blender win the talent show?

It had the best mix of skills.

What did the pot say to the boiling water?

You're really starting to steam me up.

Why did the chef get a standing ovation?

His performance was well-seasoned.

What do you call a kitchen utensil that sings opera?

A whisker tenor.

Why did the bread loaf get an award?

It was on the rise and the best thing since… well, itself.

What did the spatula say to the pancake?

I'm flipping out over you!

Why was the colander so bad at keeping secrets?

Everything just leaked right through.

What did the flour say during the job interview?

I rise to every occasion.

Why did the rolling pin go to the gym?

It wanted to get on a roll.

Why did the outdoor enthusiast bring a pencil to the woods?

In case they needed to draw their own trail.

What do you call a deer that loves to camp?

A happy camper — or should I say, a happy doe.

Why was the camping stove such a bad comedian?

Its jokes were always too fired up.

What did the canoe say to the kayak?

We're both in the same boat here.

Why did the river refuse to play hide and seek?

Because it was always running.

What do you call an adventurous piece of bread at a campout?

A trail mix-up.

Why don't mountains ever get cold when camping?

They wear snow caps.

What did the flashlight say when it ran out of batteries?

I'm completely de-lighted.

Why did the hiking boot go to therapy?

It had too much sole-searching to do.

What do you call a mosquito that loves to hike?

A trail biter.

Why did the compass break up with the map?

It lost its sense of direction in the relationship.

What did the campfire say to the marshmallow?

You're looking pretty toasty tonight.

Why did the sleeping bag file a complaint?

It was tired of being walked all over at the campsite.

What do you call a bear that loves camping in the rain?

A drizzly bear.

Why did the tent go to the doctor?

It had too many poles and still couldn't stand up straight.

What did the ocean say to the pirate?

Nothing, it just waved — but the pirate took a bow.

Why did the pirate buy an eye patch on sale?

It was a great see-through deal.

What's a pirate's worst nightmare at a restaurant?

A sunken chest — with no gold, just the buffet.

Why did the pirate refuse to say the alphabet?

Because he kept getting lost at C.

What do you call a pirate who skips class?

Captain Hooky.

Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

Because he was standing on the deck.

What did the pirate say when his wooden leg got stuck in a snowbank?

Shiver me timbers!

How do pirates prefer to communicate?

Aye to aye.

What's a pirate's favorite type of exercise?

The plank.

Why did the pirate go to school?

To improve his arrrticulation.

What did the mug say to the kettle after an argument?

That's the pot calling the kettle hot!

Why did the cappuccino feel so fancy?

It was always frothing at the top.

What do you call a tea bag that tells scary stories?

A horror brew.

Why was the decaf coffee so sad at the party?

It felt like nobody could get buzzed around it.

What did the barista say when the latte complained?

You need to espresso your feelings better.

Why did the green tea dump the black tea?

It said their relationship was too steeped in drama.

What do you call a coffee that sues people?

Grounds for a lawsuit.

Why did the tea leaf refuse to jump in the cup?

It didn't want to get into hot water.

What did the espresso say to the french press?

You're so full of pressure!

Why did the coffee bean go to the police station?

It got mugged.

Why was the wool coat always getting into trouble?

It was always trying to pull the wool over someone's eyes.

What did the suspenders say to the belt?

You hold things together from below, but I've got the higher ground.

Why did the shoelace go to therapy?

It kept getting tied up in knots over everything.

What do you call a fashionable ghost?

A boo-tique shopper.

Why did the flip-flop go to court?

It kept flip-flopping on its testimony.

What did the pants say when they were too tight?

This is a waist of my time!

Why did the t-shirt break up with the hanger?

It was tired of being strung along.

What do you call a hat that graduated top of its class?

The cap-tain of the honor roll.

Why did the thimble get promoted?

It was outstanding in its field — and never got the point.

What did the iron say to the wrinkled shirt?

I'm going to press charges.

Why was the laundry always so dramatic?

Because it kept airing its dirty laundry.

What do you call a sweater that tells the future?

A pullover prophet — it always calls for warm fronts.

Why did the vest go to the guidance counselor?

It had no arms and didn't know which direction to go.

What did the needle say to the thread during the argument?

You're really pushing me through the eye!

Why did the pair of jeans break up with the skirt?

They felt the relationship was coming apart at the seams.

Why did the ATM go on a diet?

It wanted to stop dispensing so much cash.

What do you call a debt that's always cracking jokes?

A laughing stock.

What did one check say to the other at the dance?

Let's bounce!

Why don't savings accounts ever throw parties?

They can't stop being so reserved.

What did the loan officer say at the comedy club?

I'm here all week — with interest!

Why did the tax return go to the therapist?

It had too many deductions to process.

What do you call a banker who's also a gardener?

Someone who likes watching their savings grow.

Why did the dime refuse to hang out with the quarter?

It didn't want to be short-changed.

What did the stock market say to the investor on a bad day?

Don't worry, this too shall pass... the dividend.

Why was the nickel always the center of attention?

Because it always made cents.

What do you call a dollar bill in a blender?

Liquid assets.

Why did the mortgage feel so possessive?

Because it was always holding interest.

What do you call a penny that tells tall tales?

A cent-sational storyteller.

Why did the accountant break up with the spreadsheet?

Because it had too many issues and no balance.

I threw a boomerang years ago.

I now live in constant fear.

I just found out my grandpa is addicted to brake fluid.

He says he can stop anytime.

I told my friend ten jokes to make him laugh.

Sadly, no pun in ten did.

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

But that's just nuts.

My dad always said 'never invest in trampolines.'

He said it's a market with too many ups and downs.

I used to be addicted to the hokey cokey.

But then I turned myself around — and that's what it's all about.