Top 100 Dad Jokes

A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...

What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in dirt, and crosses back?

Why are skeletons so calm?

Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?

What did the key say to the lock on Valentine's Day?

My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

What did the owl say to its Valentine?

Why did the skeleton go to the hospital dance alone?

Why was the Egyptian pharaoh so relaxed?

What did the campfire say to the marshmallow?

Why did the sleeping bag file a complaint?

What do you call a bear that loves camping in the rain?

Why did the shoelace go to therapy?

Why was the laundry always so dramatic?

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles.

I tried to write a joke about paper.

I asked my dog what's two minus two.

Why did the painting go to prison?

What do you call a duck that loves fireworks?

Why did the beekeeper get promoted?

What do you call a penguin who steals things?

What did the nail say to the wood?

Why did the baby refuse to eat the alphabet soup?

Why don't clams ever donate to charity?

What do you call a crazy space traveler?

Why couldn't the Christmas tree stand up?

What do you call a skeleton who won the lottery?

What did the Civil War general say to the pastry chef?

What do you call a robot that takes the long way home?

What did the file folder say during its exit interview?

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

Why did the smartphone need glasses?

Why did the tomato blush during the podcast?

What did the astronaut say after crashing into the moon?

What do you call a frozen orbit?

Why should you never argue with a 90-degree angle?

Why don't cars ever win at poker?

What did the Bunsen burner say to the beaker?

What did the entropy say to the scientist?

What do you call an ant that skips school?

Hey, dad, did you get a haircut?

Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?

I dropped a pear in my car this morning.

Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?

Did you hear the news?

Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

How do you make Lady Gaga cry?

How do robots eat guacamole?

Why did the man run around his bed?

What do you get hanging from Apple trees?

I accidentally took my cats meds last night.

What did the boat say to its Valentine?

What did the snail give on Valentine's Day?

What did the tornado say to its Valentine?

What did the door say to its Valentine?

What did the drum say to its Valentine?

What did the pumpkin pie say to the pecan pie?

What did the light bulb say to its Valentine?

Why was the butternut squash always so chill?

Why was the stuffing named Employee of the Month?

Why was the gravy boat invited to every party?

Why was the Thanksgiving soup so wealthy?

Which side dish always gives the best advice?

What do you call the Easter Bunny's life story?

Why did the Easter Bunny start doing stand-up comedy?

Why did the Easter egg go to the party?

What do you call an Easter egg from outer space?

Why did the neutron get into the club for free?

What's a chemist's favorite type of dog?

What did the biologist wear on their first date?

Why are fish terrible at tennis?

Why are guitars always so stressed out?

Why did the orchestra have to go to court?

What do sea monsters eat?

Why do socks never win arguments?

What do you call a car that's really good at golf?

What do you call Santa when he takes a break?

Why did the drywall installer win every argument?

Why did the dollar go to the doctor?

What do you call a fish that handles loans?

What did the dollar say to the four quarters?

What did the flower say after it told a joke?

Why did the bread loaf get an award?

Why did the rolling pin go to the gym?

Why did the compass break up with the map?

What did the ocean say to the pirate?

What's a pirate's worst nightmare at a restaurant?

What's a pirate's favorite type of exercise?

Why did the cappuccino feel so fancy?

What do you call a coffee that sues people?

What do you call a fashionable ghost?

Why did the t-shirt break up with the hanger?

Why did the pair of jeans break up with the skirt?

Why did the hedge fund manager bring shears to work?

What do you call a banker who's also a gardener?

Why did the dime refuse to hang out with the quarter?

What do you call a dollar bill in a blender?

Why did the mortgage feel so possessive?

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.