Corny Dad Jokes

I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.

He said how flexible are you? I said I can't make Tuesdays.

I used to play piano by ear.

Now I use my hands.

I have a fear of speed bumps.

But I'm slowly getting over it.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said 40.

I tried to catch fog yesterday.

I mist.

I wrote a song about a tortilla.

Actually it's more of a wrap.

I entered ten puns in a contest to see if any would win.

No pun in ten did.

My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.

They're his watchdogs.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

She hugged me.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I'm OK but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

That was hard to hear.

I got a job at a mirror factory.

It's something I can really see myself doing.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

Think about it.

My boss told me to have a good day.

So I went home.

I told my suitcase there would be no vacation this year.

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.