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I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.

I told my son I was named after Abraham Lincoln.

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 a.m. asking for sugar.

I got a reversible jacket for my birthday.

I quit my job at the helium factory.

I used to hate math, but then I realized decimals have a point.

My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.

I told my cat she was standing on my laptop.

I accidentally got glue all over my autobiography.

My friend keeps saying 'cheer up, things could be worse — you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.'