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Why was the nickel always the center of attention?

Because it always made cents.

What do you call a dollar bill in a blender?

Liquid assets.

Why did the mortgage feel so possessive?

Because it was always holding interest.

What do you call a penny that tells tall tales?

A cent-sational storyteller.

Why did the accountant break up with the spreadsheet?

Because it had too many issues and no balance.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

That would be a big step forward.

I threw a boomerang years ago.

I now live in constant fear.

I just found out my grandpa is addicted to brake fluid.

He says he can stop anytime.