Corny Dad Jokes

Why did the vest go to the guidance counselor?

It had no arms and didn't know which direction to go.

What did the needle say to the thread during the argument?

You're really pushing me through the eye!

Why did the pair of jeans break up with the skirt?

They felt the relationship was coming apart at the seams.

Why did the ATM go on a diet?

It wanted to stop dispensing so much cash.

What do you call a debt that's always cracking jokes?

A laughing stock.

Why did the hedge fund manager bring shears to work?

He wanted to trim the hedges.

What did one check say to the other at the dance?

Let's bounce!

Why don't savings accounts ever throw parties?

They can't stop being so reserved.

What did the loan officer say at the comedy club?

I'm here all week — with interest!

Why did the tax return go to the therapist?

It had too many deductions to process.

What do you call a banker who's also a gardener?

Someone who likes watching their savings grow.

Why did the dime refuse to hang out with the quarter?

It didn't want to be short-changed.

What did the stock market say to the investor on a bad day?

Don't worry, this too shall pass... the dividend.

Why was the nickel always the center of attention?

Because it always made cents.

What do you call a dollar bill in a blender?

Liquid assets.