Dad Jokes for Work

What do you call an employee who refuses to sit down?

Outstanding.

Why did the spreadsheet break up with the word document?

It had too many issues with their relationship columns.

Why did the speed of light get a speeding ticket?

It went 299,792,458 in a 65 zone — but argued it was just doing what came naturally.

What did the beaker say to the Erlenmeyer flask?

I see right through you — you're not as well-rounded as you think.

Why did the comet break up with the asteroid?

It said, "I need space, and you're too dense for me."

What did the astronaut say after their first day on the space station?

The job has no atmosphere, but the views are out of this world.

Why was the lab centrifuge such a good therapist?

It helped everyone separate their issues.

What did the calcium say to the oxygen and the nitrogen?

Together we spell CaON — but honestly, I think we're a CON.

Why did the physicist break up with the quantum theorist?

Every time they observed the relationship, it changed.

What did the petri dish say to the bacteria colony?

You've really grown on me.

Why did the glacier break up with the volcano?

Their relationship ran hot and cold.

What did the nucleus say to the electrons who wanted to leave?

I'm positive you'll come back — we have such strong attraction.

Why was the science textbook always stressed?

It had too many problems — and half of them had no solution.

What did the helium atom do when it walked into a bar?

The bartender said, "We don't serve noble gases here." Helium didn't react.

Why did the magnetic field go to couples therapy?

It couldn't stop being attracted to the wrong poles.