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I tried to make a pencil with two erasers.

It was pointless.

My ceiling isn't the best, but it's up there.

It really tops everything else in the house.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.

Now I have Heinz-sight.

I told my son I was named after Abraham Lincoln.

He said 'But dad, your name is Brian.' I said 'I know, I was named after him — he was named first.'

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 a.m. asking for sugar.

Luckily I was still up playing my drums.

I got a reversible jacket for my birthday.

I can't wait to see how it turns out.

I quit my job at the helium factory.

I refused to be spoken to in that tone.