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I accidentally got glue all over my autobiography.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

My friend keeps saying 'cheer up, things could be worse — you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.'

I know he means well.

I tried to start a professional hide-and-seek league.

But good luck finding players.

I got a job as a historian, but there's no future in it.

At least the pay period is over.

I'm reading a book about submarines.

It's really deep.

I tried to write a joke about paper.

It was tearable.

I told my kids I could cut a piece of wood just by looking at it.

They didn't believe me, but I saw it with my own eyes.