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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup.

Anyone can roast beef, but nobody can pee soup.

I wish I could clean mirrors for a living.

It's just something I can see myself doing.

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?

and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

How can you tell a vampire has a cold?

They start coffin.

Why are ghosts bad liars?

Because you can see right through them!

Can February march?

No, but April may.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Can I watch the TV?

Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy.

How low can you go?