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Don't buy flowers at a monastery.

Because only you can prevent florist friars.

What cheese can never be yours?

Nacho cheese.

What did the calculator say to the student?

You can count on me.

A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?

"Pop," goes the weasel.

What kind of bagel can fly?

A plain bagel.

I used to work for a soft drink can crusher.

It was soda pressing.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?

Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.

What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?

You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!

Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

What's the difference between a rooster and a crow?

A rooster can crow but a crow cannot rooster.