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Broken pencils are pretty useless.

They're pointless.

I used to be a banker.

But I lost interest.

My landlord told me we need to talk about my heating bill.

I said sure, my door is always open.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

A depresso.

Why did the map always win arguments?

It had a lot of good points.

What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?

A bagel.

Why did the pillow go to court?

It wanted to rest its case.

What did the blanket say to the bed?

Don't worry, I've got you covered.