Short Dad Jokes

Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.

I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I signed up for a procrastination class.

They haven't started yet.

My wife says I only have two faults.

Everything I say and everything I do.

I asked my dog what two minus two is.

He said nothing.

I'm thinking of reasons to go to Switzerland.

Well, the flag is a big plus.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

I cut my finger chopping cheese.

I think I might have grater problems though.

I used to work at a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.

I tried to make a belt out of herbs.

It was a waist of thyme.

My daughter asked me what I'm posting on social media.

I told her I'm not posting, I'm dad-a-basing.

I used to play piano by ear.

Now I use my hands.

I have a fear of speed bumps.

But I'm slowly getting over it.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said 40.

I tried to catch fog yesterday.

I mist.

I wrote a song about a tortilla.

Actually it's more of a wrap.