Short Dad Jokes

I just got fired from my job at the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

My friend claims he can build a car out of spaghetti.

I'd like to see him drive pasta.

I told my computer I needed a break.

Now it won't stop sending me Kit-Kat ads.

Broken pencils are pretty useless.

They're pointless.

I used to be a banker.

But I lost interest.

My landlord told me we need to talk about my heating bill.

I said sure, my door is always open.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

It's impossible to put down.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

She looked surprised.

What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

A depresso.

Why did the map always win arguments?

It had a lot of good points.

What do you call a seagull that flies over the bay?

A bagel.

Why did the pillow go to court?

It wanted to rest its case.

What did the blanket say to the bed?

Don't worry, I've got you covered.

Why did the fence go to the hospital?

It had too many picket injuries.

Why did the roof go to the doctor?

It had shingles.