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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

I cut my finger chopping cheese.

I think I might have grater problems though.

I used to work at a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.

I tried to make a belt out of herbs.

It was a waist of thyme.

My daughter asked me what I'm posting on social media.

I told her I'm not posting, I'm dad-a-basing.

I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.

He said how flexible are you? I said I can't make Tuesdays.

I used to play piano by ear.

Now I use my hands.

I have a fear of speed bumps.

But I'm slowly getting over it.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said 40.

I tried to catch fog yesterday.

I mist.