Dad Jokes for Work

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.

Now I have Heinz-sight.

I told my son I was named after Abraham Lincoln.

He said 'But dad, your name is Brian.' I said 'I know, I was named after him — he was named first.'

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 a.m. asking for sugar.

Luckily I was still up playing my drums.

I got a reversible jacket for my birthday.

I can't wait to see how it turns out.

I quit my job at the helium factory.

I refused to be spoken to in that tone.

I used to hate math, but then I realized decimals have a point.

Now I'm partial to fractions too.

My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.

But I'm on a roll.

I told my cat she was standing on my laptop.

She looked down and said nothing — she was on a different page.

I accidentally got glue all over my autobiography.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

My friend keeps saying 'cheer up, things could be worse — you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.'

I know he means well.

I tried to start a professional hide-and-seek league.

But good luck finding players.

I got a job as a historian, but there's no future in it.

At least the pay period is over.

I'm reading a book about submarines.

It's really deep.

I tried to write a joke about paper.

It was tearable.

I told my kids I could cut a piece of wood just by looking at it.

They didn't believe me, but I saw it with my own eyes.