Dad Jokes for Work

I used to work at a blanket factory, but it folded.

Now I'm just trying to cover my expenses.

I got fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

I asked my dog what's two minus two.

He said nothing.

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke.

But you didn't like it.

I told my wife she was overreacting.

She just threw the periodic table at me.

I used to be a personal trainer, but I gave it up.

It just wasn't working out.

I told my friend I was going to make a car out of macaroni.

She drove pasta.

What do you call a dinosaur that writes poetry?

A veloci-rhymer.

Why did the quilt go to college?

It wanted a higher degree of comfort.

What do you call an owl that does magic tricks?

Hoo-dini.

Why did the razor go to school?

To get a little sharper.

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?

A candy baa.

Why did the tree fail its driver's test?

It kept branching off.

What do you call a noodle that's always telling the truth?

An honest-a pasta.