Short Dad Jokes

I quit my job at the helium factory.

I refused to be spoken to in that tone.

I used to hate math, but then I realized decimals have a point.

Now I'm partial to fractions too.

My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.

But I'm on a roll.

I accidentally got glue all over my autobiography.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I tried to start a professional hide-and-seek league.

But good luck finding players.

I got a job as a historian, but there's no future in it.

At least the pay period is over.

I'm reading a book about submarines.

It's really deep.

I tried to write a joke about paper.

It was tearable.

I used to work at a blanket factory, but it folded.

Now I'm just trying to cover my expenses.

I got fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

I asked my dog what's two minus two.

He said nothing.

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke.

But you didn't like it.

I told my wife she was overreacting.

She just threw the periodic table at me.

I used to be a personal trainer, but I gave it up.

It just wasn't working out.