30 Best Dad Joke One-Liners

My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

That was hard to hear.

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find the manual.

I asked my dog what's two minus two.

He said nothing.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

I entered ten puns in a contest to see if any would win.

No pun in ten did.

I tried to write a joke about paper.

It was tearable.

My friend bet me I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

I tried to make a belt out of herbs.

It was a waist of thyme.

My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall.

I said maybe.

I just got fired from my job at the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

I just started a band called 999 Megabytes.

We haven't gotten a gig yet.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

That would be a big step forward.

I just got a new job at a monastery.

The work is nun of your business.

Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.

I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I used to work at a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.

I got fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

I used to hate math, but then I realized decimals have a point.

Now I'm partial to fractions too.

I told my son I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

He asked 'Which one don't you know?' I said 'I don't know Y.'

I got a job at a mirror factory.

It's something I can really see myself doing.

I'm no good at math, but I know that 5 out of 4 people struggle with fractions.

Including me, apparently.

I told my computer I needed a break.

Now it won't stop sending me Kit-Kat ads.

My ceiling isn't the best, but it's up there.

It really tops everything else in the house.

I told my suitcase there would be no vacation this year.

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

It's called Feefiphobia.

My email password has been hacked.

That's the third time I've had to rename my cat.

I'm thinking of reasons to go to Switzerland.

Well, the flag is a big plus.

I tried to start a hot air balloon business.

It never really took off.

Someone complimented my parking today.

They left a little note on my windshield that said 'parking fine.'

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the store.

I brought 7 Up.