30 Best Dad Joke One-Liners

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

That would be a big step forward.

I used to be a banker.

But I lost interest.

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

Think about it.

I told my computer I needed a break.

Now it won't stop sending me Kit-Kat ads.

My friend claims he can build a car out of spaghetti.

I'd like to see him drive pasta.

I just got fired from my job at the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

The rotation of Earth really makes my day.

It literally does.

I'm on a seafood diet.

I see food and I eat it.

My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall.

I said maybe.

I was struggling to figure out how lightning works.

Then it struck me.

I tried to start a hot air balloon business.

It never really took off.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

We'll see about that.

I used to hate facial hair.

But then it grew on me.

I told my suitcase there would be no vacation this year.

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

Broken pencils are pretty useless.

They're pointless.

I got a job at a mirror factory.

It's something I can really see myself doing.

My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

That was hard to hear.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I'm OK but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

She hugged me.

My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.

They're his watchdogs.

I entered ten puns in a contest to see if any would win.

No pun in ten did.

I wrote a song about a tortilla.

Actually it's more of a wrap.

I tried to catch fog yesterday.

I mist.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said 40.

I have a fear of speed bumps.

But I'm slowly getting over it.

I used to play piano by ear.

Now I use my hands.

I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.

He said how flexible are you? I said I can't make Tuesdays.

My daughter asked me what I'm posting on social media.

I told her I'm not posting, I'm dad-a-basing.

I used to work at a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.

My landlord told me we need to talk about my heating bill.

I said sure, my door is always open.