30 Best Dad Joke One-Liners

My doctor told me I'm going deaf.

That was hard to hear.

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

I wanted to learn how to drive a stick shift.

But I couldn't find the manual.

I tried to write a joke about paper.

It was tearable.

I asked my dog what's two minus two.

He said nothing.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

I just got fired from my job at the calendar factory.

All I did was take a day off.

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the store.

I brought 7 Up.

My friend bet me I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.

You should've seen the look on her face when I drove pasta.

My ceiling isn't the best, but it's up there.

It really tops everything else in the house.

I entered ten puns in a contest to see if any would win.

No pun in ten did.

My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall.

I said maybe.

I used to work at a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.

I told my suitcase there would be no vacation this year.

Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

I got fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.

I wasn't putting in enough shifts.

I just got a new job at a monastery.

The work is nun of your business.

I told my computer I needed a break.

Now it won't stop sending me Kit-Kat ads.

My email password has been hacked.

That's the third time I've had to rename my cat.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

That would be a big step forward.

I tried to start a hot air balloon business.

It never really took off.

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

It's called Feefiphobia.

I'm no good at math, but I know that 5 out of 4 people struggle with fractions.

Including me, apparently.

I told my son I'm friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

He asked 'Which one don't you know?' I said 'I don't know Y.'

I got a job at a mirror factory.

It's something I can really see myself doing.

I'm thinking of reasons to go to Switzerland.

Well, the flag is a big plus.

I told my friend I was going to make a car out of macaroni.

She drove pasta.

I used to be addicted to the hokey cokey.

But then I turned myself around — and that's what it's all about.

Broken pencils are pretty useless.

They're pointless.

Someone stole my mood ring yesterday.

I'm not sure how I feel about it.

I used to play piano by ear.

Now I use my hands.