One-liners Dad Jokes

I went to a wedding where two satellite dishes got married.

The ceremony was okay but the reception was incredible.

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.

I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

My wife says my obsession with tower defense games is childish.

But she needs to stop attacking me — I've got walls up.

I used to run a dating service for chickens.

But I kept struggling to make hens meet.

I got hit in the head with a can of soda today.

Luckily it was a soft drink.

I tried to make a pencil with two erasers.

It was pointless.

My ceiling isn't the best, but it's up there.

It really tops everything else in the house.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.

Now I have Heinz-sight.

I told my son I was named after Abraham Lincoln.

He said 'But dad, your name is Brian.' I said 'I know, I was named after him — he was named first.'

My neighbor knocked on my door at 3 a.m. asking for sugar.

Luckily I was still up playing my drums.