20 Best Family Dad Jokes

Why did the teenager keep his report card in the freezer?

Because he wanted to get his grades higher — starting from zero degrees!

Why did the baby refuse to eat the alphabet soup?

He didn't want anyone putting words in his mouth!

Why did the baby strawberry cry?

Because its parents were in a jam!

What did the mountain climber name his son?

Cliff.

What did the mommy spider say to the baby spider?

You spend too much time on the web!

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

It's ok, he woke up.

What did the door say to its Valentine?

I a-door you!

Why do parents always carry a map?

Because their kids keep driving them up the wall!

What did the mama buffalo say when her boy left for college?

Bison!

Wife: Honey I’m pregnant. Me: Well…. what do we do now?

Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor. Me: Hm.. I think I’d be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.

Can I watch the TV?

Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

What do you call twin brothers who love building?

A construction pair-ent!

I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop signing "I'm A Believer"...

Then I saw her face.

Why did the mother broom scold the baby broom?

Because it was sweeping past curfew!

Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

Why are dad jokes so reliable?

Because they're full of pop culture!

What do you call a dad who's also a gardener?

A plant parent!

Why did the uncle keep telling everyone he was a pillow?

He was just really into soft-ware!

Why did the new dad stare at the frozen juice can?

Because it said 'concentrate'!

Why do kids always carry a watch during hide and seek?

Because time is always running out!