One-liners Dad Jokes

I signed up for a procrastination class.

They haven't started yet.

My wife says I only have two faults.

Everything I say and everything I do.

I asked my dog what two minus two is.

He said nothing.

I'm thinking of reasons to go to Switzerland.

Well, the flag is a big plus.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

I cut my finger chopping cheese.

I think I might have grater problems though.

I used to work at a shoe recycling shop.

It was sole destroying.

I tried to make a belt out of herbs.

It was a waist of thyme.

My daughter asked me what I'm posting on social media.

I told her I'm not posting, I'm dad-a-basing.

I asked the gym instructor if he could teach me to do the splits.

He said how flexible are you? I said I can't make Tuesdays.