A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...
I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
1
2
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poker face.
3
What do you call a penguin who steals things?
A hardened criminal — he's already doing hard time on ice.
4
Did you hear the news?
FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
5
Why did the beekeeper get promoted?
Because he always created a buzz at work.
6
Why did the tomato blush during the podcast?
It saw the salad dressing.
7
What do you call a duck that loves fireworks?
A fire-quacker.
8
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
9
I dropped a pear in my car this morning.
You should drop another one, then you would have a pair.
10
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
11
Why did the smartphone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts.
12
Why did the painting go to prison?
It was framed.
13
Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?
Because he had a vowel movement.
14
I can't tell if i like this blender...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
15
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store...
Does that make you an iWitness?
16
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
17
What do I look like?
A JOKE MACHINE!?
18
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time.
19
A termite walks into a bar and asks...
Is the bar tender here?
20
What animal is always at a game of cricket?
A bat.
21
What kind of music do planets listen to?
Nep-tunes.
22
How does a train eat?
It goes chew, chew.
23
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
24
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.
25
What do you call an eagle who can play the piano?
Talonted!
26
What's black and white and read all over?
The newspaper.
27
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey!
28
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but their flag is a big plus.
29
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel!
30
If you boil a clown...
Do you get a laughing stock?