Did you hear the news?
FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
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I dropped a pear in my car this morning.
You should drop another one, then you would have a pair.
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I can't tell if i like this blender...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
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Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
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Why did the computer go fishing?
To catch some bytes.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!
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Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was two-tired!
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What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
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What time should you go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty!
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Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts!
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
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My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
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I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language.
I don’t know why.
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What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe?
Roberto
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What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
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How do you make a hankie dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
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How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poker face.
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What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore!
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How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Brazilian
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How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?
You will see one later and one in a while.
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How do you make a 'one' disappear?
You add a 'g' and it's 'gone'
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Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
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Did you hear about the runner who was criticized?
He just took it in stride
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Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?
They had a reptile dysfunction.
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Who did the wizard marry?
His ghoul-friend
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How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
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I used to work for a soft drink can crusher.
It was soda pressing.
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What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
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A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?
" "Pop," goes the weasel.
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Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands.