A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...
I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
1
2
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poker face.
3
What do you call a duck that loves fireworks?
A fire-quacker.
4
Why did the painting go to prison?
It was framed.
5
Why did the tomato blush during the podcast?
It saw the salad dressing.
6
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
7
Why did the smartphone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts.
8
Why did the beekeeper get promoted?
Because he always created a buzz at work.
9
What do you call a penguin who steals things?
A hardened criminal — he's already doing hard time on ice.
10
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
11
I dropped a pear in my car this morning.
You should drop another one, then you would have a pair.
12
Did you hear the news?
FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
13
Why did the fence go to the hospital?
It had too many picket injuries.
14
Why did the razor go to school?
To get a little sharper.
15
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store...
Does that make you an iWitness?
16
What animal is always at a game of cricket?
A bat.
17
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonaid.
18
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but their flag is a big plus.
19
Why did the nail feel so important?
Because everyone kept hitting on it.
20
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
21
What type of music do balloons hate?
Pop music!
22
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
23
What do you call a spider who's a great typist?
A web developer.
24
Why did the scarecrow win a Pulitzer?
He was outstanding in his field of journalism.
25
I can't tell if i like this blender...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
26
What's black and white and read all over?
The newspaper.
27
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.
28
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
29
Why did the mushroom get invited to the party?
Because he was a fungi.
30
Knock knock. Who's there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who?
Never mind. It's pointless.