A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...
I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
1
2
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poker face.
3
Why did the smartphone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts.
4
Did you hear the news?
FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
5
Why did the painting go to prison?
It was framed.
6
Why did the beekeeper get promoted?
Because he always created a buzz at work.
7
What do you call a penguin who steals things?
A hardened criminal — he's already doing hard time on ice.
8
Why did the tomato blush during the podcast?
It saw the salad dressing.
9
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
10
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
11
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
12
I dropped a pear in my car this morning.
You should drop another one, then you would have a pair.
13
What do you call a duck that loves fireworks?
A fire-quacker.
14
I can't tell if i like this blender...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
15
Why did the scarecrow win a Pulitzer?
He was outstanding in his field of journalism.
16
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonaid.
17
Knock knock. Who's there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who?
Never mind. It's pointless.
18
What do you call a spider who's a great typist?
A web developer.
19
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools!
20
How do you make a hankie dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
21
Why did the mushroom get invited to the party?
Because he was a fungi.
22
What do you call a guitar that gets everything wrong?
Out of tune with reality.
23
What do you call a detective who solves crimes at the bakery?
An under-cover roll.
24
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
25
What type of music do balloons hate?
Pop music!
26
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
27
What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill.
28
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store...
Does that make you an iWitness?
29
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
30
Why did the razor go to school?
To get a little sharper.