A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...
I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
1
2
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
3
Why did the beekeeper get promoted?
Because he always created a buzz at work.
4
Did you hear the news?
FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
5
What do you call a penguin who steals things?
A hardened criminal — he's already doing hard time on ice.
6
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poker face.
7
Why did the smartphone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts.
8
Why did the painting go to prison?
It was framed.
9
I dropped a pear in my car this morning.
You should drop another one, then you would have a pair.
10
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
11
What do you call a duck that loves fireworks?
A fire-quacker.
12
A termite walks into a bar and asks...
Is the bar tender here?
13
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky.
14
Why did the scarecrow win a Pulitzer?
He was outstanding in his field of journalism.
15
I can't tell if i like this blender...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
16
Why did the mushroom get invited to the party?
Because he was a fungi.
17
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time.
18
Why did the tomato blush during the podcast?
It saw the salad dressing.
19
How does a train eat?
It goes chew, chew.
20
What kind of music do planets listen to?
Nep-tunes.
21
What do you call an eagle who can play the piano?
Talonted!
22
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
23
If you boil a clown...
Do you get a laughing stock?
24
What do I look like?
A JOKE MACHINE!?
25
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
26
What's black and white and read all over?
The newspaper.
27
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store...
Does that make you an iWitness?
28
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
29
Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?
Because he had a vowel movement.
30
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel!