Did you hear the news?
FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
Did you hear the news?
FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
I dropped a pear in my car this morning.
You should drop another one, then you would have a pair.
I can't tell if i like this blender...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
Why did the computer go fishing?
To catch some bytes.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh!
Why did the bicycle fall over?
Because it was two-tired!
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.
What time should you go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty!
Why don't skeletons fight each other?
They don't have the guts!
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language.
I don’t know why.
What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe?
Roberto
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
How do you make a hankie dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poker face.
What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dino-snore!
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Brazilian
How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?
You will see one later and one in a while.
How do you make a 'one' disappear?
You add a 'g' and it's 'gone'
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
Did you hear about the runner who was criticized?
He just took it in stride
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?
They had a reptile dysfunction.
Who did the wizard marry?
His ghoul-friend
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
I used to work for a soft drink can crusher.
It was soda pressing.
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?
" "Pop," goes the weasel.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands.