A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...
I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
1
2
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poker face.
3
Why did the painting go to prison?
It was framed.
4
What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill.
5
What do you call a duck that loves fireworks?
A fire-quacker.
6
Why did the smartphone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts.
7
What do you call a penguin who steals things?
A hardened criminal — he's already doing hard time on ice.
8
Why did the tomato blush during the podcast?
It saw the salad dressing.
9
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
10
Why did the beekeeper get promoted?
Because he always created a buzz at work.
11
Did you hear the news?
FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
12
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
13
What do you call a clam that works out?
A mussel.
14
Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
15
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
16
Why did the candle feel left out?
Because it was always getting burned.
17
What do you call a pig that paints?
Pig-asso.
18
I dropped a pear in my car this morning.
You should drop another one, then you would have a pair.
19
Why was the belt sent to jail?
For holding up a pair of pants.
20
Why did the belt apply for college?
It wanted to buckle down.
21
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
22
Why did the mushroom get invited to the party?
Because he was a fungi.
23
Knock knock. Who's there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who?
Never mind. It's pointless.
24
What do you call a detective who solves crimes at the bakery?
An under-cover roll.
25
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools!
26
What do you call a guitar that gets everything wrong?
Out of tune with reality.
27
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
28
What do you call a spider who's a great typist?
A web developer.
29
What does the mermaid wear to math class?
Algae-bra.
30
Why did the razor go to school?
To get a little sharper.