A ham sandwhich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says...
I'm sorry, we don't serve food here.
1
2
I dropped a pear in my car this morning.
You should drop another one, then you would have a pair.
3
Why did the smartphone need glasses?
It lost all its contacts.
4
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poker face.
5
Why did the painting go to prison?
It was framed.
6
What do you call a penguin who steals things?
A hardened criminal — he's already doing hard time on ice.
7
Why did the beekeeper get promoted?
Because he always created a buzz at work.
8
Did you hear the news?
FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
9
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
10
Why did the lemon go to the doctor?
It wasn't peeling well.
11
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
12
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time.
13
Why did the scarecrow win a Pulitzer?
He was outstanding in his field of journalism.
14
What did the duck say when it bought lipstick?
Put it on my bill.
15
A termite walks into a bar and asks...
Is the bar tender here?
16
Why did the computer go fishing?
To catch some bytes.
17
If you boil a clown...
Do you get a laughing stock?
18
How does a train eat?
It goes chew, chew.
19
What kind of music do planets listen to?
Nep-tunes.
20
What do I look like?
A JOKE MACHINE!?
21
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef!
22
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.
23
What's black and white and read all over?
The newspaper.
24
I can't tell if i like this blender...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
25
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
26
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store...
Does that make you an iWitness?
27
What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don't know, but their flag is a big plus.
28
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky.
29
Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?
Because he had a vowel movement.
30
What do you call an eagle who can play the piano?
Talonted!