Family jokes

A boy dug three holes in the yard.

When his mother saw, she exclaimed: "well, well, well"

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I remember when I was a kid, I opened my fridge and noticed one of my vegetables were crying.

I guess I have some emotional cabbage.

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?

" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

Can I watch the TV?

Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

How do you get a baby alien to sleep?

You rocket.

Hostess: Do you have a preference of where you sit?

Dad: Down.